IT’S IMPORTANT TO understand that love is not just about finding the right person—it’s about working with
them to create the right relationship. We have met and worked with couples at both ends of the spectrum over
the years, and we’ve found that the happiest couples, or the unhappy couples who successfully turn things
around, are able to create loving, lasting relationships by doing the following:
1. They make plenty of time for each other.
Nothing is more vital to the bond you share with someone than simply being there for them. Too often we
underestimate the power of a thoughtful question and a listening ear that’s fully present and focused. Although
it’s a simple act, it may very well be the most powerful act of caring—one that has the potential to turn a
relationship around.
When we pay attention to each other, we breathe new life into each other. With frequent attention and
affection, our relationships flourish, and we as individuals grow stronger. This is the side effect of a good
relationship—we help heal each other’s wounds and support each other’s strengths.
Bottom line: Stay in close touch with what’s going on in your partner’s life, communicating openly on a
regular basis. Not because it’s convenient, but because they are worth the extra effort.
2. They don’t beat around the bush.
No matter how sure you are of someone’s love, it’s always nice to be reminded of it. When you truly love
someone, be loving in words and deeds every single day. Don’t tiptoe around. Be straightforward with the love
you have to give.
3. They meet in the middle and work together.
The most important trip you will ever take in life is meeting your partner halfway. You will achieve far more by
working with them, rather than working alone or against them. That’s what healthy relationships are all about—
teamwork. It really is a full circle. The strength of a relationship depends on the strength of its two members,
and the strength of each member in the long run depends on the quality of the relationship.
Anyone who helps you to make your half-hearted attempts more wholehearted through passion, love, and
teamwork is a precious friend and teacher, and thus makes a great partner. Take the lead and be this partner.
Make an effort to work closely with your significant other and conquer the world together.
4. Their actions consistently back up their claims of love.
Actions often speak much louder than words. When you love someone, it’s important to act accordingly. They
will be able to tell how you feel about them simply by the way you treat them over the long term.
You can say “sorry” a thousand times, or say “I love you” as much as you want, but if you’re not going to
prove that the things you say are true, they aren’t. If you can’t show it, your words are not sincere.
And remember, how much you do for your loved ones isn’t as important as the love you put into what you do
for them. Learn what matters most to them and make a habit of it.
5. They respect each other’s humanness.
All humans are imperfect. At times, the confident lose their confidence, the patient misplace their patience, the
generous act selfishly, and the knowledgeable second-guess what they know.
We all have our moments. So stand beside the people you love through their trying times of imperfection,
and offer yourself the same courtesy; if you aren’t willing to, you don’t deserve to be around for the perfect
moments either.
6. They focus on what they like about each other.
What you focus on grows stronger. When you focus on a person’s wonderful qualities, you have a wonderful
relationship with them. When you focus on a person’s not-so-wonderful qualities, you have a not-so-wonderful
relationship with them. When you focus on the benefits of a situation, you get to enjoy them. When you focus
on the drawbacks, you gain nothing but a frown.
The bottom line is that you see what you want to see, and what you see determines the health of your
relationships. Your attitude is a little thing that makes a massive difference. Don’t be the stubborn one who
makes it a point to not see the good in your partner.
7. There is far more between them than physical attraction.
Becoming infatuated with someone simply for what they look like on the outside is like choosing your favorite
food based on color instead of taste. It makes no sense. It’s innate, invisible, unquantifiable characteristics that
create lasting attraction. There must be common ground in your interests and outlooks on life.
Much like some people enjoy the smell of mint while others prefer the scent of cinnamon, there is an
undeniable, magnetic draw that attracts you to the qualities of certain people, places, and things. Sometimes
it’s even the scars your soul shares with them that reels you in and creates the very hinges that hold you
together in the long run.
8. They resolve conflicts through love, not retaliation.
If you’re disappointed with yourself or frustrated with your partner, the answer is not to take it out on the world
around you. Retribution, whether it’s focused on yourself or others, brings zero value into your life. The way
beyond the pain from the past is not with vengeance, mockery, bullying, or retaliation but with present love.
Forgive the past, forgive yourself, forgive your partner, and love the present moment for what it’s worth.
There are plenty of beautiful things to love right now; you just have to want to see them. Loving is never easy,
especially when times are tough; yet it is easily the most powerful and positively enduring action possible.
9. They open up to each other, especially in trying times.
Let your partner in when you’re in a dark place. Open up to them completely. Don’t expect them to solve your
problems; just allow them to face your problems with you. Give them permission to stand beside you. They
won’t necessarily be able to pull you out of the dark place you’re in, but the light that spills in when they enter
will at least show you which way the door is.
Above all, the important thing to remember is that you are not alone. No matter how bizarre or embarrassed
or pathetic you feel about your own situation, your partner is in your life and has dealt with similar emotions
and wants to help you. When you hear yourself say, “I am alone,” it’s just your insecurities trying to sell you a
lie.
10. They are committed to growing together.
It’s not about finding someone to lose yourself in—it’s about meeting someone to find yourself in. When you
connect with someone special, especially a lifelong partner, this person helps you find the best in yourself. In
this way, neither of you actually meet the best in each other; you both grow into your best selves by spending
time together and nurturing each other’s growth.
When you honestly think about what you and your partner add to each other’s lives, you will often find that
instead of giving or taking things from each other (advice, answers, material gifts, etc.), you two have chosen to
share in each other’s joy and pain, and to experience life together through good times and bad. No matter
what, you two are there for each other, growing and learning as one.
Afterthoughts
The best relationships are not just about the good times you share. They’re also about the obstacles you go
through together, and the fact that you still say “I love you” in the end. And loving someone isn’t just about
saying it every day. It’s showing it every day in every way.