FAMILY LAW – Hybrid Learning

Things to Remember About Toxic Family Members

Batoota — Mon, 02 Jan 2023 06:26:45 +0000

Family is meant to be our protected haven. Generally, nonetheless, it’s the place the place we discover the deepest heartache.

LETTING GO OF (or breaking apart with) a poisonous good friend, boyfriend, or girlfriend is one factor, and there’s loads of recommendation on the market for doing so, however what about letting go of a poisonous member of the family?

Most of us usually are not able to simply stroll away, nor will we really feel that we need to, or that it’s the correct factor to do. So what will we do when a member of the family is hurting our hearts with their toxicity? How will we take care of our emotions of obligation, confusion, betrayal, and heartache?

At the beginning, you may settle for the truth that not everybody’s household is wholesome or out there for them to lean on, to name on, or to go residence to. Not each household tie is constructed on the premise of mutual respect, love, and

assist. Generally “household” merely implies that you share a bloodline. That’s all. Some relations construct us up, and a few break us down. So simply because somebody is blood-related to you doesn’t mechanically make

them the healthiest affect in your life.

Second, you may perceive that a poisonous member of the family could also be going by means of a tough stage of their lives.

They could be sick, chronically nervous, or missing what they want by way of love and emotional assist. These folks should be listened to, supported, and cared for (though, no matter the reason for their troubles, you should want to guard your self from their poisonous conduct at occasions).

The important thing factor to bear in mind is that each case of coping with a poisonous member of the family is somewhat totally different, however in any and each case, there are some common ideas we have to bear in mind, for our personal sake:

They is probably not an inherently dangerous particular person, however they’re not the correct particular person to be spending time with each day.

Not all poisonous household relationships are agonizing and uncaring on objective. A few of them are individuals who care

about you—individuals who have good intentions however are poisonous as a result of their wants and approach of present on the earth power you to compromise your self and your happiness. And as arduous as it’s, we now have to distance ourselves sufficient to offer ourselves area to dwell. You merely can’t damage your self each day for the sake of somebody else. It’s a must to make your well-being a precedence. Whether or not which means spending much less time with somebody, loving a member of the family from a distance, letting go solely, or quickly eradicating your self from a scenario that

feels painful, you may have each proper to take a step again and create some wholesome area for your self.
Poisonous folks typically conceal cleverly behind passive aggression.

Passive-aggressive conduct takes many types however can usually be described as a nonverbal aggression that manifests in detrimental conduct. As a substitute of overtly expressing how they really feel, somebody makes refined, annoying gestures directed at you. As a substitute of claiming what’s truly upsetting them, they discover small and petty methods to take jabs at you till you concentrate and get upset, generally not even realizing why. In a wholesome relationship, a liked one received’t really feel the necessity to conceal behind passive aggression in an effort to specific what they

are pondering. So, simply concentrate on passive aggression whenever you expertise it, and if the opposite particular person refuses to cause with you and continues their conduct, you will have no selection however to create a few of that area mentioned in level number one.
They’ll attempt to bully you into submission, for those who allow them to.

We at all times hear about schoolyard bullies, however the greatest bullies are sometimes poisonous relations. And bullying isn’t okay. Interval! There is no such thing as a freedom on earth that offers somebody the correct to assault who you’re as a particular person. Sadly, some folks simply received’t be comfortable till they’ve pushed your ego to the bottom and stomped on it. What you may need to do is have the nerve to face up for your self. Don’t give them leeway. No one has the energy to make you’re feeling small except you give them that energy. It takes an excessive amount of braveness to face as much as your enemies, however simply as a lot to face as much as your loved ones and mates. Generally bullying comes from essentially the most unlikely locations. Be cognizant of how the folks closest to you deal with you, and look out for the refined jabs they throw. When essential, confront them—do no matter it takes to offer your self the chance to develop into who you actually are.
Pretending their poisonous conduct is okay shouldn’t be okay.

When you’re not cautious, poisonous relations can use their moody conduct to get preferential remedy, as a result of, properly, it simply appears simpler to quiet them down than to take heed to their rhetoric. Don’t be fooled. Quick-term ease equals long-term ache for you in a scenario like this. Poisonous folks don’t change if they’re being rewarded for not altering. Determine this minute to not be influenced by their conduct. Cease tiptoeing round them or making particular pardons for his or her continued belligerence. Fixed drama and negativity isn’t value placing up with. If somebody in your loved ones over the age of twenty-one can’t be an inexpensive, dependable, respectful grownup frequently, it’s time to take away your self from the road of fireplace.
You do not need to neglect your self simply because they do.

Follow self-care each day. Significantly, for those who’re compelled to dwell with a poisonous particular person, then be sure you get sufficient alone time to relaxation and recuperate. Having to play the position of a centered, rational grownup within the face of poisonous moodiness will be exhausting, and for those who’re not cautious, the toxicity can infect you. Poisonous relations

can preserve you up at evening as you continuously query your self: “Am I doing the correct factor? Am I actually so horrible that they despise me a lot? I can’t imagine she did that! I’m so damage!” Ideas like these can agonize you for weeks, months, and even years. Generally that is the purpose of a poisonous member of the family: to drive you mad and make you out to be the loopy one. As a result of oftentimes they do not know why they really feel the best way they do, and they’ll’t see past their very own emotional wants, therefore their relentless poisonous communication and actions. And since you may’t management what they do, it’s necessary to care for your self as a way to stay centered, feeling wholesome, and able to dwell positively within the face of negativity when you need to—mindfulness, meditation, prayer, and common train work wonders!
If their poisonous conduct turns into bodily, it’s a authorized matter that should be addressed.

When you’ve survived the wrath of a bodily abuser in your loved ones, and also you tried to reconcile issues . . . for those who forgave, and also you struggled, and even when the expression of your grief had you succumb to outbursts of poisonous

anger . . . for those who spent years hanging on to the notions of belief and religion, even after you knew in your coronary heart that these stunning intangibles, upon which love is constructed and sustained, would by no means be returned . . . and particularly for those who stood up because the barrier between an abuser and another person, and took the brunt of the abuse of their place

—you’re a hero! However now it’s time to be the hero of your future. Sufficient is sufficient! If somebody is bodily abusive, they’re breaking the legislation, and they should take care of the implications of their actions.
Though it’s arduous, you may’t take their poisonous conduct personally.

When an individual is being clearly poisonous, it’s them, not you. Know this. Poisonous relations will possible attempt to suggest that someway you’ve achieved one thing flawed. And since the feeling-guilty button is sort of giant on many people, even the implication that we’d have achieved one thing flawed can damage our confidence and unsettle our resolve. Don’t let this occur to you. Bear in mind, there’s a big quantity of freedom that involves

you whenever you take nothing personally. Most poisonous folks behave negatively not simply to you however to everybody they work together with. Even when the scenario appears private—even for those who really feel straight insulted—it normally has nothing to do with you. What they are saying and do, and the opinions they’ve, are primarily based closely on their very own self- reflection—their emotions and understandings about life.
Hating them for being poisonous solely brings extra toxicity into your life.

Because the saying attributed to Gandhi goes, “A watch for an eye fixed will solely make the entire world blind.” No matter how despicable a member of the family has acted, by no means let hate construct in your coronary heart. Preventing hatred with hatred solely hurts you extra. Whenever you resolve to hate somebody, you mechanically start digging two graves: one in your enemy and one for your self. Hateful grudges are for many who insist that they’re owed one thing.

Forgiveness, however, is for many who are sturdy sufficient and good sufficient to maneuver on. In any case, one of the best revenge is to be not like the one that damage you. The very best revenge resides properly, in a approach that creates peace in your coronary heart.
Individuals can change, and a few poisonous household relationships will be repaired in the long term.

When belief is damaged, which occurs in almost each household relationship sooner or later, it’s important to perceive that it may be repaired, supplied each persons are keen to do the arduous work of self-growth. The truth is, it’s right now, when it feels just like the stable bedrock of your relationship has crumbled into mud, that you just’re being given a possibility to shed the patterns and dynamics with one another that haven’t been serving you. It’s painful work and a painful time, and the impulse will probably be to stroll away, particularly for those who imagine that damaged belief can’t be repaired. However for those who perceive that belief ranges rise and fall over the course of a lifetime, you’ll be extra prone to discover the energy to hold in, cling on, and develop collectively. Nevertheless it does take two. You possibly can’t do it alone.
Sadly, generally all you are able to do is let go for good.

All particulars apart, that is your life. You might not be capable of management all of the issues poisonous relations do to you, however you may resolve to not be diminished by them in the long term. You possibly can resolve to not let their actions and opinions constantly invade your coronary heart and thoughts. And above all, you may resolve whom to stroll beside tomorrow, and whom to depart behind at present. In an ideal world we’d at all times be capable of repair with poisonous relations, however as everyone knows, the world isn’t excellent. Put within the effort and do what you may to maintain issues intact, however don’t be afraid to let go and do what’s proper for you when you need to.

FAMILY LAW

Batoota — Wed, 07 Nov 2012 13:30:11 +0000

FAMILY LAW. Issues of law affecting the family, known as family law, are central to the shari `ah. The Qur’anic verses which concern themselves with issues of law deal to a great extent with matters affecting the family. Many of the hadith concentrate on the same area, and it is therefore no surprise to find that the leading texts of classical Islamic jurists concentrate similarly on the subject of family law. As John Esposito has said it “has enjoyed pride of place within the Shariah” (1982, p. 13). Family law, perhaps more than any other part of the law, is seen as having an eternal value; the rules laid down in the Qur’an and sunnah are viewed as comprehensive; and human intervention in the area is limited to application and adoption of the principles, rather than to innovative reappraisal. In the words of N. J. Coulson, family law is the “strong hold of the Shariah” (1964 p. 161).
At the heart of family law is the creation, the incidents, and the termination of the contract of marriage which, in the language of the Hedaya (the authoritative work used in South Asia, originally compiled in the late twelfth century), “implies a particular contract used for the purpose of legalising generations.” The classical jurists do not differ substantially among themselves about the particular attributes of family law, although there are of course many differences of detail. Modern eyes often see Islamic family law as patriarchal and insensitive to the position of the woman, who is not viewed as an equal partner in the relationship. Much occidental criticism has concentrated on the right of polygamy, the power of the husband to terminate unilaterally the relationship, the lack of the wife’s similar entitlement, and the rights the husband has over both his wife (as an obedient wife) and as wall (“guardian”) of his children.
In broad outline, the marriage (nikah) is a contract which the groom enters into with the bride or the bride’s legal guardian. The guardian can contract his minor daughter in marriage without regard to her consent, although she does have a right, in certain situations, to rescind the contract as soon as she attains puberty. The contract is created by the two “pillars” of offer ijab) and acceptance (qabul) in the presence of two Muslim male witnesses or one Muslim male and two Muslim female witnesses. The groom contracts to pay his wife a dower (mahr) which arises incident to the marriage. Some marriages are considered void (batil) and others are irregular (fasid). Examples of void marriages are marriages with maharim, for instance, female ascendants and descendants or those related through affinity. In contrast, a fasid marriage is irregular in that, after the required separation of the parties, the particular defect can be removed, at least in theory, and they can then remarry; for example, a fasid marriage occurs when a marriage is entered into in the absence of witnesses. In a fasid relationship, if there has been consummation, then a mahr must be paid to the wife, and any children who are born to the couple are deemed to be legitimate. As polygamy is permitted to the maximum of four wives, a fifth marriage would be fasid.
Divorce by the husband is effected by a unilateral pronouncement known as the talaq which is a repudiation that cuts off the marital tie. The power to exercise talaq belongs to the husband and does not depend on any judicial involvement or consent of the wife. There are a number of different forms of talaq, some seen to be more meritorious than others. The most meritorious is the talaq as-sunna ahsan. When the wife is free from her menstrual flow, the husband pronounces a talaq; he must then refrain from any sexual intercourse for the duration of the `iddah period, which is a period of three menstrual cycles or three months in the case of women who no longer menstruate. At the end of this time, the marriage is terminated. The wife’s right to bring a marriage to an end (khul `) is very restricted; it involves consent of the husband and consideration paid by the wife. Maliki law, in particular, gives prominence to the qadi (judge) who, in certain situations, can separate the parties.
During the marriage, the wife is entitled to maintenance and support which includes food, clothing, and accommodation. This entitlement, however, terminates after the `iddah period on a divorce, and there is no ongoing entitlement to financial assistance. The entitlement can also be suspended if she is “disobedient,” for example, if she refuses to acquiesce in the husband’s desire that she not leave the house. Legal adoption of children is not permissible in Islamic law. The mother initially has the entitlement to custody (hadana) of a child, but the father acquires custody as soon as the child reaches a certain age. Although each school has different rules, the mother’s custody of a child is not extended beyond the age of puberty, by which time, according to all schools, the father has acquired the residual custodial right over the child.
Reforms in Family Law. The emphasis on the preeminent position of the husband and the marked absence of equality within the family between husband and wife were both seen as handicaps by those involved in the drive by some Muslim states toward a process of westernization. Reformers were able to adopt stratagems not unknown in the Islamic world. Reforms in the family law area were designed to solve particular perceived problems in an eclectic manner, formally following the jurisprudential principle of taqlid (imitation) and based on the right of the ruler to define and confine the limits of judicial intervention (siyasah shar`iah). Thus, differences of detail between the schools have enabled reformers in Hanafi countries to adopt the stance taken by jurists of schools other than their own in situations where a change has been seen as desirable. For instance, in 1915, the Ottoman rulers enacted legislation by imperial edict designed to improve the legal status of Muslim wives and provide them with certain rights to petition for divorce. These rights, which were not available in the dominant Hanafi law of the Ottoman Empire, were based on Hanbali and Maliki law and the “weaker” minority Hanafi doctrine. Similarly, the criminal law was used to introduce what were seen to be improvements to family law; for instance, in Egypt in 1923 it was made a criminal offense for a registrar to register a marriage when the bride was not above the age of sixteen and the bridegroom not above the age of eighteen. Egypt used procedural devices to restrict further the solemnization of child marriages by precluding the court from hearing any claim arising out of a marriage if the husband had not attained the age of eighteen and the bride the age of sixteen at the time of the litigation, and the courts were barred from considering the question of a disputed marriage unless the marriage had been registered. These early reforms were followed by the adoption of a somewhat more unorthodox approach, namely, talftq (“combining together” the doctrine of one school or jurist with another). This approach allowed reforms viewed as socially desirable to be introduced, while ensuring that there was no significant departure from the shari `ah.
After 1945, however, reforms tended to be based more on the alleged right of a Muslim state, through its rulers, to exercise ijtihad (search by independent deduction). Perhaps the most celebrated example of this approach is the abolition of the entitlement of polygamy by Article 18 of the Tunisian Code of Personal Status (1956), based on a reinterpretation of surah 4.3, which states “Marry women of your choice, two or three or four; but if ye fear that ye shall not be able to deal justly [with them], then only one. . . .” The Tunisians equate justice not merely with nafaqah (“financial support”) but also with love and affection. It is then argued that only the Prophet can treat two wives equally in this way; therefore, in today’s conditions the irrebuttable presumption is that a Muslim husband cannot fulfil the requirements laid down in the Qur’an.
Reforms in other Muslim countries relating to polygamous marriages have not been so dramatic; most countries simply make second marriages dependent on the permission of a court (for example, Syria, 1953; Iraq, 1959) or an arbitration body (for example, Pakistan and Bangladesh, 1961). Similarly, stipulations can be made in the marriage contract that the husband cannot have a co-wife. If he does take a second wife, then the first wife is entitled, for that reason alone, to seek dissolution of the marriage (Jordan, 1976; Morocco, 1958). Indeed, even in the absence of such a stipulation, the Moroccan qadi may consider whether the second marriage has caused any injury to the first wife. The end result of all these developments has been the enactment of Codes of Family Law in almost all Islamic countries.
Reappraisal of Reforms. Even such limited reforms have been subjected to critical reappraisal in the light of Islamic revivalism. Two examples of this new development illustrate the trend that now appears to be active throughout the Muslim world, the first from Egypt, the second from Pakistan. In Egypt, Law 44 of 1979 was issued by a presidential decree which amended the 1920 and 1929 laws. A pronouncement of talaq by the husband is required to be registered, and notification of the talaq must be given to the wife. The divorce does not take effect if the notice does not reach her. In the event of a judicial application by the wife for a divorce, which is dealt with by arbitrators, the court is empowered to dissolve the marriage, although the wife must pay compensation. These reforms were far from radical, yet the 1979 law has not survived; in July 1985, the Constitutional Court adjudged it unconstitutional. A new law, Law 100 of 1985, was enacted, which complies more closely with the perceived orthodoxy. For instance, Article 6A in the 1979 law gave a first wife the right to ask for a divorce solely on the basis of a second marriage by her husband. The new Article 11-A of Law 100 of 1985 states that a first wife who finds herself in this position must petition a court for a divorce, alleging that she has suffered harm as a result of her husband marrying a second wife; the court must then try to reconcile the parties, and it can grant a divorce only after such endeavors have proved to be unsuccessful. Thus, the attempt in 1979 to introduce a substantial reform which would have given the first wife an automatic right to terminate the marriage in these circumstances has been replaced by a much more limited provision. Islamic tendencies were primarily responsible for the demise of this short-lived 1979 reform.
Perhaps an even more dramatic example of this trend can be seen in Pakistan. The reforming Muslim Family Laws Ordinance 1961, which among other matters imposes restraints on the husband’s power to divorce his wife by talaq (s 7) and on his right to marry polygamously (s 6), has been subjected to executive, legislative, and judicial attacks of considerable ferocity. The Federal Shariat Court in 1988 ruled that a pronouncement by a husband of a talaq which complies with the provisions of Islamic law is not invalid solely on the basis that no notice is given to the chairman of the Union Council as required by section 7 of the Muslim Family Laws Ordinance 1961. This approach has been affirmed in Karachi in a case called Ashique Hussain v. First Additional judge (1991; PLD Kar 174) where it was held that the applicant’s failure to send the notice of the talaq to the chairman under the provisions of section 7 would not be of any consequence so long as the applicant had pronounced talaq with an intention to dissolve the marriage. An important development toward the so-called islamicization of the laws in Pakistan has been the introduction in 1985 of Article 2A of the Constitution, which inserts, as a substantive provision, the Objectives Resolution of 1949. This refers to, inter alia, “. . . sovereignty over the entire universe” belonging “to Allah Almighty alone and the authority which He has delegated to the State of Pakistan, through its people being exercised within the limits prescribed by him” as “a sacred trust.” Some have argued that this development undermines all the “non-Islamic” provisions in Pakistan law, including the 1961 ordinance. A number of shari `ah bills have been brought forward, the most recent in April 1991 by Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif. The National Assembly voted to approve the bill, and it was endorsed by the Senate on 28 May 1991.
Is the return to a form of Islamic orthodoxy, which is illustrated by the Egyptian and Pakistan instances but which occur from Algeria to Malaysia, a passing phase? Or is it an expression from the Islamic world that some of the reforms of the earlier part of the present century have gone too far in the direction of simply aping the West and ignoring completely the aspirations of the Muslim community? The wholesale abandonment of Islamic family law for whatever reason is an approach which no longer commands support. The approach taken at one time by some elements of Muslim opinion not to meddle with the Qur’an and sunnah but to place it entirely on one side and adopt a code of Western inspiration (as in Turkey in 1927) is not likely to be copied. Flirtations with secular radicalism (Somalia, 1975) would appear to be of limited significance on the wider stage. Many of the debates which one associates with discussions on family law in the Western world, such as the rights of unmarried couples, are simply of no consequence in the Islamic world.
It is probable that the mood of Islamic revivalism will involve the continuing dismantling of some aspects of the reform tendencies of the twentieth century. It is, however, highly unlikely that such reforms as those in the field of child marriages, the limitations on polygamy, and the equalization of divorce entitlement between husband and wife will be undermined. Economic considerations could well be as important in this context as religious orthodoxy. More probable to occur in the last years of this century is the continuation of the process whereby Islamic states adopt sympathetic minority opinions of early jurists, or indeed the more acceptable law of another school, as a more accurate reflection of the Islamic ideology of a particular Islamic country.
[See also Law; Marriage and Divorce; Polygyny]
BIBLIOGRAPHY
Anderson, J. N. D. Law Reform in the Muslim World. London, 1976. Important description, by one of the most respected commentators on the Islamic world, of trends in the Muslim world up to the mid1970s. Concentrates on family law reform.
Beck, Lois, and Nikki R. Keddie, eds. Women in the Muslim World. Cambridge, Mass., 1978. Includes a valuable essay by Coulson and Hinchcliffe, “Women and Law Reform in Contemporary Islam.” Coulson, Noel J. A History of Islamic Law. Edinburgh, 1964. Masterly discussion of the development of Islamic law, with considerable emphasis on family law.
El Alami, Dawoud S. The Marriage Contract in Islamic Law. London and New York, 1992. Analysis of marriage law as applied in Egypt and Morocco. Useful for its discussion of Egyptian and Moroccan court decisions.
Esposito, John L. Women in Muslim Family Law. Syracuse, N.Y.,
1982. Examination of the process, methodology, and extent of modern legal reforms, focusing on Pakistan and Egypt. Mahmood, Tahir. Family Law Reform in the Muslim World. New Delhi, 1972. Useful examination of the pace of reform up to 1970. Mahmood, Tahir. Personal Law in Islamic Countries. New Delhi, 1987. Contains the text of family law statutes from twenty-two countries, together with a helpful comparative overview, and an exceptionally good bibliography at the end of each chapter.
Nasir, Jamal J. The Islamic Law of Personal Status. London and New York, 1986. Systematic account of Islamic family law under both shari ah and modern enactments, particularly in the Arab states. Pearl, David. A Textbook on Muslim Personal Law. 2d ed. London, 1987. Introduction to the main aspects of Islamic family law.
DAVID STEPHEN PEARL