relationship – Hybrid Learning

Things You Should Never Give Up for a Relationship

Batoota — Sat, 29 Apr 2023 07:13:44 +0000

“IT’S BEEN EXACTLY ten years since my controlling, abusive ex-fiancé sold my favorite guitar, which cost almost a thousand dollars and took me ages to save for. He sold it on the day I broke up with him. When I went to pick up my belongings, he was proud that he had sold it to a local pawnshop. Luckily, I managed to track down the guy who bought it from the pawnshop. The guy was really sweet and gave it back to me for free, on the condition that I join him on his front porch for an hour and play guitar with him. He grabbed a second guitar, and we ended up sitting there on his porch for the rest of the afternoon, playing music, talking, and laughing.

He’s been my husband for almost nine years now, and we are happier than ever.”

That’s a paraphrased version of a story one of our coaching clients, Megan, lived through a while back. It’s one of those life stories that really stuck with us—one that we still think about on a regular basis.

Using Megan’s story as a frame of reference, we are reminded that unhealthy relationships restrict and impair, while healthy relationships bring freedom and life to our existence. It’s important to remember the difference. It’s important to remember what you should never have to give up for a relationship. And that’s what this list is about—some good reminders about boundaries we need to uphold for ourselves:

Your imperfect magnificence

It’s not hard to find someone who tells you they love you; it’s hard to find someone who actually means it. But you will find them eventually, so don’t rush love, and don’t settle. Find someone who isn’t afraid to admit they miss you. Someone who knows you’re not perfect, but appreciates you as you are. One who gives their heart completely. Someone who says, “I love you,” and then proves it day in and day out. Find someone who wouldn’t mind waking up with you in the morning, seeing your wrinkles and gray hair, and then falling in love with you all over again.

Remember that, to the people who truly love you, you are magnificent already. This is not because they’re blind to your shortcomings, but because they so vividly see the beauty of your soul. Your shortcomings then dim by comparison. The people who care about you are willing to let you be imperfect and magnificent, at the same time.
The right to decide for yourself

Don’t put the only keys to your growth and happiness in someone else’s pocket. Relationships are not about authority and obedience; they’re agreements of love and respect. You simply can’t live your entire life through someone else’s fantasies. There must be compromise and the space to do what’s right for you, even if someone you care about disagrees. Give, but don’t allow yourself to be used. Listen to loved ones, but don’t lose track of your inner voice in the process.

Never apologize for what you feel and what you don’t feel; that’s a betrayal of your truth. No matter how

much advice people give you, sometimes you have to feel things out for yourself, make decisions on your own, experience things firsthand, and build your own conclusions from the ground up the old-fashion way.
Your innate human need to be understood

There’s honestly nothing more intimate than simply being understood and understanding someone else in return. Even when there are disagreements, every healthy relationship contains this mutual understanding—a loving space filled with listening and compromise.

So remember to listen without defending, and speak without offending. Communication isn’t just an important part of a relationship; it is the relationship. And really, there’s only one rule for being a good communicator: the willingness to hear others. Because we do not always need a busy mind that speaks, just a patient heart that listens.
The freedom to love

Love is the creative force of the universe. It is as important to life as oxygen is to breathing. When it is present in our lives, we feel happier, more optimistic, and fulfilled. Without it, we become angry, cynical, resentful people, critical of ourselves and others, effectively squashing the greatness that exists in us and diminishing our own light.

Open your heart and let love out. Love people. Love experiences. Love yourself. And let go of those who try to stop you.
The courage and willingness to experiment with life

To live a great life, you must lose your fear of being wrong. Remember that doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing. Even when things don’t work out, they do. Because in the end, experience is what you get when you didn’t get exactly what you wanted, and experience is often the most valuable thing you have to give.

So don’t be too timid and squeamish about your actions. Don’t let someone scare you out of failing forward. All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make, the better. Either you will succeed or you will learn the next best step. Win-win.
Your joy

Never let anyone or anything get in the way of your joy. Live a life that sizzles and pops and makes you laugh out loud every day. Because you don’t want to get to the end, or to tomorrow even, and realize that your life is a collection of meetings and “somedays” and errands and receipts and empty promises.

So go ahead and sing out loud in the car with the windows down, and dance in your living room, and stay up all night laughing, and paint your walls any color you want, and enjoy some port wine and chocolate cake. Yes, and go ahead and sleep in on clean white sheets, and throw parties, and paint, and write poetry, and read books so good they make you lose track of time. And just keep living and laughing and making God glad that He gave life to someone who loves and cherishes the gift.
Other important relationships, including the one you have with yourself

If a relationship is closing you off from the world, it’s time to break free. It’s time to choose love over deception. After all, that’s what love is all about—freedom.

So don’t blame love if a broken relationship is interfering with your other important relationships, or robbing you of your self-esteem and personal freedoms. No, don’t blame love. For it isn’t love that’s stealing from you. It’s possession. It’s obsession. It’s manipulation. It’s confusion. Love has nothing to do with your situation. For love doesn’t close the door on happiness and liberty. It opens it wide to let more in.

Likewise, if someone expects you to be someone you’re not, take a step back. It’s wiser to lose relationships over being who you are than to keep them intact by pretending to be someone else. It’s easier to nurse a little heartache and meet someone new than it is to piece together your own shattered identity. It’s easier to fill an empty space within your life where someone else used to be than it is to fill the empty space within yourself where you used to be.
Your inner peace and composure

No matter what you do or how amazing you are, throughout your lifetime some people will still upset you, disrespect you, and treat you poorly. Let them be; let karma deal with the cruel things they have done. Hatred and negativity filling your heart and mind will only consume you and your potential. You will begin to heal and grow emotionally when you let go of these past hurts, excuse the people who have wronged you, and forgive yourself for your misjudgments.

Bottom line: Learning to ignore certain people and situations is one of the great paths to inner peace. So let go when you must. Let them be, so you can be at peace.

Know your relationship value -Relationship —2

Batoota — Mon, 02 May 2022 10:19:10 +0000

Act “as if.”
Sometimes it takes a while for our feelings to catch up with our thoughts and actions. We might begin thinking positively and have a vision for how we want our relationship to be, but we still feel uncomfortable about ourselves and our value in the relationship. If you’re single, you might still have low confidence about your ability to attract a partner in spite of your best efforts to think otherwise. While you are waiting for your feelings to catch up with your new awareness and positive thoughts, begin to act “as if” you are confident about yourself and your relationship (or your potential for being in a relationship).
Action Steps: Define where you feel the least amount of confidence related to your romantic relationship. Write down how you believe a confident person would behave in this same situation. (Check out these confident relationship behaviors.) Mentally visualize yourself behaving confidently in this situation, and the next time it occurs, play the part of a confident you. Act until you truly feel it.

Be aware of clinginess and guilt-tripping.
One of the hallmarks of low confidence in a relationship is clinginess and insecurity. When you aren’t confident, you compensate by seeking reinforcement and subtly manipulating the other person through neediness and guilt. You fear they may leave you, so you hold on tighter—which ultimately pushes them away and sabotages your self-respect. Maybe you have legitimate reasons to feel insecure, but holding on tighter or shaming your partner won’t fix the problem. Only healthy, open, and confident communication will help you address any real issues.
Action Steps: Think of ways you might be clinging through neediness and guilt. Write down some of the specific things you do that might be passive-aggressive, whiny, or controlling. With the awareness that this behavior isn’t healthy for the relationship, write a commitment to yourself to mindfully release one or more of these behaviors this week. If you feel there’s a real reason to feel insecure based on your partner’s behavior or words, then calmly and maturely communicate your concerns, even if you fear you’ll hear something you don’t want to hear. Ultimately, you must have honesty and truth as the foundation for any healthy and lasting relationship.

Reframe rejection.
Everyone has been rejected by a romantic partner or love interest at some point in their lives. When you open yourself up to connecting with another person, you make yourself vulnerable to possible rejection. Of course rejection hurts, but it is something you can and should move past if you want to enjoy a loving, healthy relationship in the future. Rejection isn’t an indictment of your character or who you are as a person. It simply means you and this particular person weren’t the right match. In many ways, rejection is a gift, as it saves you from investing any more time in a relationship that won’t serve you well. Rejection can be a great teacher, helping you learn more about yourself and what you want and need from another person. Rejection does require a period of grief, but you will move past this grief more quickly when you release blaming, acrimony, or self-criticism, and have gratitude for what the relationship offered you.
Action Steps: Think about past romantic rejections you’ve experienced. What did you learn about yourself as a result? What lessons did you learn for the next relationship? How have you grown as a result of experiencing the rejection? Visualize a future with this person, knowing they were not the right match for you. Silently express gratitude to them for letting you go and visualize yourself releasing them from your life.

Learn relationship communication skills.
One of the foundations of a confident and healthy relationship is communication. When you are able to articulate your feelings, fears, and concerns in an honest and kind way, the relationship can flourish and grow. This vulnerability and authenticity is necessary for both people to feel safe and fully accepted—without fear of judgment, abandonment, or betrayal. When we don’t communicate our needs and discuss our differences honestly and freely, intimacy will inevitably break down. Healthy communication also requires active listening with your full attention and an open mind. The most successful, intimate relationships involve proactive communication before a fight ever breaks out. However, conflict is inevitable, and conflict resolution should include collaborative problem solving and a mutual commitment to resolution without bitterness and recrimination.
Action Steps: Even if you think your communication skills are good, it never hurts to fine tune them to make you feel more confident and empowered in your relationship and to maintain intimacy and trust. Sit down with your partner, and ask each other these relationship questions to open dialog and understanding. Consider reading a relationship communication book like Non- Violent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall B. Rosenberg or Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix. Make a commitment to learn about healthy relationship communication and practice what you learn with your partner.

Build sexual confidence.
People who are confident and skilled in romance and sex generally feel good about themselves. They aren’t overly self-conscious about their bodies or worried about appearing desirable. However, they do inquire and care about how to please their partner romantically and sexually. They create time for romance and physical intimacy, and they don’t blame themselves or their partner when sex doesn’t go smoothly. Confident people want stay physically attractive for their partner—but without obsessing about their bodies. Sexual confidence is not all about sex. It is about intimate emotional connection, sharing, pleasing yourself and your partner, and having fun.
Action Steps: Sexual confidence begins with feeling good about yourself and liking who you are. If you’re lacking self-esteem, the best place to start is by working to improve it, perhaps through counseling. If your self-esteem is good, but you just aren’t confident in the bedroom, remember confident sexual behavior can be learned with education from expert sources and books written by qualified therapists. Do some research and reading to enhance your knowledge and creativity. If you want feel better about your body image, exercise regularly, as the endorphin boost will make you feel great. Also communicate with your partner to learn what she/he likes and share what you like to eliminate guesswork and frustration. This will make you both feel more secure.

Relationships — 1

Batoota — Sun, 01 May 2022 07:22:00 +0000

“To grow in our ability to love ourselves we need to receive love as well.”
~ John Gray
When asked on their deathbeds what they most regretted during their lives, dying people consistently expressed one of their top regrets was not spending more time with family and friends. Your close relationships are the most important aspect of your life, and relationships are a vital component to good health and general well-being.
Studies show healthy relationships help you cope better with stress, feel healthier and more satisfied with life, and even live longer. Through relationships with other human beings, you grow and evolve — and you deepen and expand your experience of love and meaning.
When you aren’t confident in your ability to create or sustain a healthy relationship, you undermine your confidence in every other area of your life. In fact, having positive interactions with those around you is the cornerstone for success and happiness in nearly all other life pursuits—from your career to your social life.
Your romantic relationship is the laboratory for understanding more about yourself, as well as learning valuable life skills. Whether you’re in a long-term relationship or just dating, your relationship confidence is vital to your self-esteem and the way your partner perceives you. If you don’t feel confident in your ability to connect, communicate, and interact with others, improving your skills in this area will have a trickle-down effect, improving your health, motivation, productivity, and general happiness.

Know your relationship value.

Often when we don’t feel confident in a relationship, we assume we don’t have many desirable qualities to bring to the relationship. We look to the other person to define our value and reinforce that we’re “good enough” to be in the relationship. In dating situations, you might focus on your flaws and feel insecure about them. But you have many positive qualities you can offer another person. If you aren’t aware of those qualities, or if you choose not to focus on them, then you’re sending a signal to those you want to attract that you don’t feel valuable enough to be in the relationship.
Action Steps: Mentally visualize gathering up all of your flaws and putting them in a big box. Then visualize putting a lock on the box so you can’t access it. Now that your flaws are out of the way, you can only focus on your good qualities. Write down everything positive about yourself that you can offer in a relationship. Spend some time on this, and even ask a close friend or family member to share what they see as your positive qualities. Place this list where you can see it daily.

Have a relationship vision.

Whether you’ve been in a long relationship or just beginning one, you may not have a vision for what you’d like from the relationship and how you want it to feel. What kind of communication style would you like? How do you want to resolve conflict? How much time do you want to spend together? How important is physical touch and affection? Without defining this vision, you and your partner are simply reacting to circumstances rather than creating the ideal relationship you want. If you aren’t in a relationship now, it’s still smart to create your own relationship vision for the future. Then you’ll be prepared to find the type of person who will share your vision.
Action Steps: Make a list of relationship questions like those above. You can use this list of questions to help you. Write down your answers to the questions listed, thinking carefully about the mutual happiness and satisfaction of both people in the relationship. If you are currently married or in a serious relationship, do this exercise with your partner. If you are single, write the answers for yourself and hold on to them for the future when you are in a relationship.

Determine your personal boundaries.

It’s hard to be confident in a relationship when you have no boundaries. Sometimes we avoid boundaries because we aren’t confident. We fear the person we care about will leave us or get angry if we stand up for ourselves or have needs. Does this sound familiar to you? Solid boundaries reflect confidence and increase the respect of those around you. They are necessary not only for the health of the relationship, but also for your own self-esteem. Setting and enforcing boundaries, even if it makes others upset or angry, will give you a huge boost of confidence, because you have the self-respect to know what you want and to require others to respect your wishes.
Action Steps: Think about how you’ve been allowing others to take advantage of you and how you might be accepting situations that are really unacceptable to you. How is this impacting your relationship? Make a list of things your partner (or other people in your life) may no longer do to you, say to you, or do around you. Decide how you need physical and emotional space. Then set a meeting to communicate this calmly, kindly, but firmly.

Notice people pleasing.

People pleasing is the desire to make others happy (or prevent their anger) at your own expense. You feel so uncomfortable with conflict or disappointing others that you’re willing to do just about anything to avoid it. You’re addicted to the approval and good feelings that come from making people happy and comfortable, as you tend to their needs over your own. It makes you feel validated and worthy. Over time you begin to lose confidence in yourself, because you’ve lost sight of who you are, what you want in the relationship, or how to live your life on your own terms.
Action Steps: If you recognize yourself as a people pleaser and see how it’s harming your relationship, then it’s past time to do something about it. This week, choose one situation with your partner or another person you please where you stand up for yourself, say no, or make your own decision—even if it causes conflict. Remain strong. Don’t give in even if you encounter anger or withdrawal by your partner. Resist the need to over-explain yourself or to over- apologize for your decision. If necessary, leave the room or hang up the phone until he/she calms down.

Focus on the positive.

Quite often we lose confidence in ourselves or in the relationship because we’re hyper-focused on the negative. We only see our flaws and weaknesses and fear our partner will reject us as a result. Or we only see our partner’s flaws and believe the relationship is doomed. Maybe we’ve had bad relationships in the past, and the memory of those infects our thinking about our current relationship. However, reality is rarely as negative as we perceive it to be. It might appear negative because that’s all we focus on.
Action Steps: Refer back to the list of positive qualities you bring to your relationship. Then make a list of all of the valuable qualities of your partner and what you love about him/her, as well as a list of the ways your partner is better for you than any previous bad relationships. Finally make a list of all of the wonderful aspects of your relationship. Keep this list handy for times when negative thoughts about your relationship creep back in.