DEALING WITH NEGATIVITY can be quite a downer. Angel once had a coworker whose negative energy would wash over her on a daily basis. In their conversations, the coworker would complain about everything— work tasks, family, friends, health, and anything else she could think of. She was also extremely cynical about others, often doubting their intentions and judging them harshly. Talking to her wasn’t a pleasant experience, to say the least.

The first time Angel had a meeting with this coworker, she felt completely drained. It felt as if someone had sucked the life out of her, and it took a couple of hours for the effects to wear off. The same thing happened the next few times the two of them spoke too. Angel quickly realized she needed to work out an action plan to deal with this kind of negative energy.

Angel gradually developed several key strategies for dealing with negative people effectively. They have worked wonders in her life, and now we use them to assist hundreds of coaching and course students we interact with on a weekly basis. We hope you find value in them too.

1. Set and enforce limits.

   Negative people who wallow in their problems and fail to focus on solutions are hard to deal with. They want people to join their 24/7 pity party so they can feel better about themselves. You may feel pressured to listen to their complaints simply because you don’t want to be seen as callous or rude, but there’s a fine line between lending a compassionate ear and getting sucked into their negative emotional drama.

   You can avoid this drama by setting boundaries and distancing yourself when necessary. Think of it this way: If a negative person were chain-smoking cigarettes, would you sit beside them all day inhaling their secondhand smoke? No, you wouldn’t—you’d distance yourself. So go ahead and give yourself some breathing room when you must.

   If distancing yourself is impossible in the near term, another great way to set limits is to ask a negative person how they intend to fix the problem they’re complaining about. Oftentimes they will either quiet down or redirect the conversation in a more harmonious direction, at least temporarily.

2. Respond mindfully—don’t just react.

   A reaction is a hot, thoughtless, in-the-moment eruption of emotion that’s usually driven by your ego (as human beings, we’re more likely to react when we’re disconnected from our logical mind). It might last just a split second before your intuition kicks in and offers some perspective, or it might take over to the point that you act on it. When you feel angry or flustered after dealing with a negative person, that’s a sign you’ve reacted rather than responded mindfully. Responding mindfully will leave you feeling like you handled things with integrity and

   poise.

   Bottom line: When you encounter someone with a negative attitude, don’t respond by throwing insults back at them. Keep your dignity and don’t lower yourself to their level. True strength is being bold enough to walk away from the nonsense with your head held high.

3. Introduce lighter topics of discussion.

   Some people’s negative attitudes are triggered by specific, seemingly harmless topics. For example, one of Angel’s friends turns into a self-victimizer whenever we talk about her job. No matter what Angel says, she’ll complain about everything related to her job, and when Angel tries to interject with positive comments, she just rolls right over them with more negativity. Obviously this becomes quite a conversation dampener.

   If you find yourself in a similar conversational situation, and the person you’re talking with is stuck on a topic that’s bringing either one of you down, realize their negative emotions may be too deeply rooted to address in a one-off conversation. Your best bet is to introduce a new topic to lighten the mood. Simple things like funny memories, mutual friendships, personal success stories, and other kinds of happy news make for light conversation. Keep it to areas the person feels positive about.

4. Focus on solutions, not problems.

   Where and how you focus your attention determines your emotional state. When you zero in on the problems you’re facing, you create and prolong negative emotions and stress. When you shift your focus toward actions that can improve your circumstances, you create a sense of self-efficacy that yields positive emotions and reduces stress.

   The same exact principle applies when dealing with negative people—fixating on how stressful and difficult they are only intensifies your suffering by giving them power over you. Set a boundary for yourself to stop thinking about how troubling this person is, and focus instead on how you’re going to go about handling their behavior in a positive way. This makes you more effective by putting you in the driver’s seat, and it will greatly reduce the amount of stress you experience when you’re interacting with them.

5. Maintain a level of emotional detachment from other people’s opinions of you.

   This one is vital for keeping stress at a distance. Not allowing negative people (or anyone, for that matter) to put the weight of their inadequacies on your back is vital to your emotional health and happiness. It all comes down to how you value yourself, and thus believe in yourself.

   People who manage their lives effectively are generally those who work internally—those who know that success and well-being come from within (internal locus of control). Negative people generally work externally— blame others or outside events for everything that does or doesn’t happen (external locus of control).

   When your sense of satisfaction and self-worth are derived from the opinions of others, you are no longer in control of your own happiness. Know this. When emotionally strong people feel good about something they’ve done, they don’t let anyone’s shallow opinions or spiteful remarks take that away from them.

   Truth be told, you’re never as good as everyone says when you win, and you’re never as terrible as they tell you when you lose. The important thing is what you’ve learned, and what you’re doing with it.

6. Let go of the desire to change other people’s negative tendencies.

   Some people you can help by setting a good example; others you can’t. Recognize the difference and it’ll help maintain your equilibrium. Don’t be taken in by the energy vampires, manipulators, and emotional blackmailers by desperately trying to control what is out of your control—other people’s behavior.

   For the most part, you can’t change people, and you shouldn’t try. Either you accept who they are and set a boundary or choose to live without them It might sound a bit harsh, but it’s not. When you try to change people, they often resist and remain the same. But when you don’t try to change them—and allow them the autonomy to be as they are—they often gradually change in the most miraculous way. Because what really changes is the way you see them.

7. Dedicate ample time every day to self-care.

You do not have to neglect yourself just because others do. Seriously, if you’re forced to live or work with a

negative person, then make sure you set boundaries in your schedule so that you get enough alone time to rest and recuperate. Having to play the role of a “focused, rational adult” in the face of persistent negativity can be exhausting, and if you’re not careful, the negativity can consume you.

As mentioned previously, negative people can keep you up at night as you constantly question yourself:

“Am I doing the right thing?”

“Am I really so terrible that they speak to me like that?” “I can’t believe he did that!”

“I’m so hurt!”

Thoughts like these can keep you agonizing for weeks, months, or even years. Sadly, sometimes this is the goal of a negative person: to drive you crazy and bring you down to their level of thinking, so they’re not wallowing alone. And since you can’t control what they do, it’s important to take care of yourself so that you can remain centered, feeling healthy and ready to live positively in the face of their negativity when you must.

Afterthoughts

Although it can be hard to admit, sometimes the negative person is ourselves. Yes, sometimes it’s your own negativity that hurts you more than anything else.

If your inner critic is trying its hardest to get the best of you, try giving up all the thoughts and contemplations that make you feel bad, or even just some of them, for the rest of the day. See how doing that changes your life. You don’t need these negative thoughts. All they have ever given you is a false self that suffers for no reason.